I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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