and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
