she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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