oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
