you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
