Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
