i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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