anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
