the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize