remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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