yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
