Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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