my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
