turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
