Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
