She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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