i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
