life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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