You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
