Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
