It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
