He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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