Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
