i already hear my dad disowning me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
