I faked an abortion last night.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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