I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
