I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize