and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
