Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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