i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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