Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
