How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have fence marks all over my body
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
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