Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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