ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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