I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
