Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
