if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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