just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize