she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
there is glitter all over my balls
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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