the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
