...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
whose parrot is this?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
