it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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