I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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