me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Randomize
