It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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