I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
