Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
50% drunk capacity currently
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
