i already hear my dad disowning me
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
