WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
