toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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