It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
