; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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