just tell him i said nine months
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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