Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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