it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
