alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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