we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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