I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
